*please note the following post contains information regarding the coronial process, which some may find distressing.
It's bleak and it's black.
It's turning nasty and I'm shit scared. I really don't know how I'm going to find the strength to keep going. All I want to do is go find him, leave this place and this emotional turmoil and just go.
I received correspondence from my solicitor today, which includes copies of most of the documentation that I've already given her (yeah, thanks for that - $5 a page x about 150 pages).
Included in this mammoth pile of paperwork are the witness statements, gathered together for the brief of evidence by the police. I already have copies of these. What is also included are photos of Joseph after we said goodbye, photos I'd never seen before and never wanted to see, but the fuckwit solicitor included them.
I was expecting only the 'expert opinion' from the obstetrician which is scathing to say the least. Not that I read it, I didn't get that far. This 'expert opinion' submitted for the Coroner is written by one of the Obs AT the hospital where Joseph was born. I actually saw this dick antenatally early on in the pregnancy. He said he wouldn't support at VBAC and "you'd better hope I'm not on when you come to hospital to have your baby, others may support a VBAC, but I won't". There were many other things he said during that appointment. It was so bad, I refused to see him again and now he's the independent 'expert opinion' for the Coroner. My solicitor has put it to the Coroner that there is clearly a conflict of interest here and that it should be inadmissable.
So, that's what I was expecting, as well as the solicitors cover note to ask for a second expert opinion. She said to me that I should have support when I read the opinion from this guy as it may be distressing. She never told me that she would include the police photos of Joseph for the Coroner. I was blindsided - big time.
*I was scanning through the pile from back to front, just flicking through and I saw him there, looking just like he did when we handed him over (hardest fucking day of my life). That was kind of OK. I was kinda happy to see another picture of him that I already didn't have. But, then I went back further and there's my baby wrapped in a plastic bag, progress shots of him being unwrapped, like a parcel. I screeeeeamed. I wailed. NO mother/parent should ever ever ever see a photo of their child wrapped in a forensic plastic bag.
I was at home on my own with the kids. Eden came out and said "you're sad for your Jophes?, you miss your Jophes Mummy?" Even that couldn't pull me out of that primal place, I could feel by breasts tingle, like they were letting down which is another cruel blow. I knew rationally that I needed to pull myself together but every time I shut my eyes, all I could see what that bag, with my baby in it. His head was covered, how could he breath if he's wrapped in a plastic bag?!? It was terrifying. That right there was another one of the worst moments of my life.
I was transported back to 21 December 2010. I thought I'd left it behind but there I was in that day again. I begged Dwayne to come with me to find him "can't we just all leave and find him?" "He's with us Katie, he's here in spirit" (bullshit, I thought). "I just can't do this anymore, I just need to leave and find him". "You just have to be strong" (bullshit, I thought).
It feels like there's just too much on board here and it feels that way because there bloody well is.
He's gone and it's because of their catastrophic fuck ups. My womb is gone and any chance of having more children, because of thier catastrophic fuck ups. We have to endure a Coroners Inquest which will most likely continue for at least the next year. We have no money to fight the medico legal beast, and a mighty beast it is, but I can't walk away from holding them accountable. I know they did this and they know they did this, but it all comes down to who has the most money wins. D has a hernia that will need surgery and I'm terrified that something will go wrong when he's under the knife. Xavier started school as is terrified of going because of a bully issue (already, only 4 days in). Augie has hydrocephalus which means he's a bit of a ticking time bomb, at any time he could need another surgery - or not. And my sister has had a health scare and is staring down the barrel of surgery as well (see terrified of going under the knife...).
So, as you can see, I'm finding it really difficult to see the positive side. Really difficult.
My psychologist said to me that every time I have a letter from the solicitor, a call from the Coroner's office, correspondence from the hospital - I will be taken back to the trauma of those 5 days when Joseph was born and died and I need to be prepared for that, that I need to work out if I'm strong enough to cope with that. But, what do I do? Just walk away? How can I walk away from this and have nothing change? No apology from them, no accountability, no changes to policies so this doesn't happen to someone else. I'm between a rock and a hard place.
Suicidal thoughts are taking over, much like they did before I started antidepressents (at 7 months out). I took myself off them while we were away. I was kind of forgetting taking them and was on the lowest dose (half the lowest dose actually) so figured I probably didn't really need them, but maybe I do. I really don't like the thought of them. They made me feel numb. But, there's a time and a place for them and this seems like the time and the place? I'll make an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow and get back on them. That's a start I guess.
Rationally it's not an option, but primally I just want to be with him and one is outwaying the other. Taking my life is something I really wouldn't do. There's just no way I could leave my other three boys. It's just so scary when thoughts of doing that come, and sit, and get cosy.
This is all such a jumble of a mind dump, written in a rush.
Have you thought about leaving to find your baby? Have you had to deal with an inquest? Have you taken/are you talking AD's? Have you gone on them then off, then on again?
Initially I was tormented by thoughts of Seamus being somewhere 'out there' on his own... I just wanted to be with him. I didn't cope at all well when he was waiting for his post mortem. Unfortunately, in my line of work I've attended post mortems and so I had a very vivid image in my head that I just couldn't shake. Then at the funeral, I remember just wanting to crawl into the grave with him.
ReplyDeleteI have found a little peace since we buried him, but if I let my thoughts get out of control, I can come straight back to that panicked feeling of needing to know where he is and just be with him.
Like you, I could never commit suicide - I just couldn't do it to John, especially after all that we've been through. And actually, I no longer long to die as I did in those first few days. Yes, this journey is excruciatingly difficult, but I have fight left in me yet.
About the AD's - it sounds like you're doing the right thing by going to see your doctor again. If you need a bit of extra support, then definitely take them. I think of all that you've been through and all that lies ahead, and I think having solid support around is going to be crucial in getting you through this legal battle. I think all you can do is lay the ground work to make sure that's in place: friends, family, AD's, therapy, blogging - whatever helps get through day to day.
I'm so sorry about you seeing those photos... And once you've seen them, you can't un-see them... Even if your lawyer was required to provide you with a full set of papers, a warning would have been appropriate, or at the very least they could have been placed in a marked envelope...
There were so many errors when it came to Jack's care that I cant even count yet there was no inquest, no investigations. There was no autopsy either because when he passed with his kidneys not functioning it would have poisoned all his his organs therin destroying all evidence of proir mistakes. Still they didnt even offer one.
ReplyDeleteI wish at the time I would have put have in complaints to the hospital but my main concern was being with Jack, all these things happened at different points throughout his care and now it is way to late.
Also in Canada puting in a complaint to the hopsital is all you can really do.Of course that would be biased, thats the hospital that screwed up. Suing docs here just isnt done very often, its like trying to sue the goverment as its all goverment run,cover ups are frequent and unless the case is very clear cut in the cause of death then its a down hill battle.
I commend you in having the strength to even get this far, I didnt have the courage to even try.
I have been on meds for awhile after Jack's passing, they put me on meds to control anxiety and slow down my heart. I have PTSD now from the whole thing. I am slowly weening myself off it, I am down to a quarter of the dosage.
I know what it's like to see disturbing pics. When Jack lost half his face of course I saw it in person and helped them redress it everyday but at the time the hospital camera wasnt working and they needed to log the injury with pics and send them to some other specialist so they asked me to take them with my camera. I accidently came across them again when downloading all Jack's pics from my camera about a month after his passing and that was heartwrenching to see it again.
I cannot believe though they didnt even have the decency to leave out the police photos for you. That was just ignorant.
I really hope it all works out for you, you are more courageous than you know and no matter what happens just remember that at least you tried and maybe just that process will encouarge them to be more careful in the future.
Thinking of you and Joseph Gabriel xo
ps I think about all the time of being with Jack in his urn, others dont get that when I say "I want to go home" thats what I mean. I think its natural and understandable to have these feelings, we know that having these feelings doesnt mean we are going to follow through. We hang on to hope and we hang on to what weve got.
ReplyDeleteOh my Kate...no one should ever lose a baby and then to have to see your baby wrapped in plastic. That just makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know who touched Addison from the hospital to the morgue, but that thought upsets me so, I also don't know what they put her in...wrapped her in whatever, but to see those images...ugh. I know you will never be able to un-see any of it and I hate that for you.
ReplyDeleteAll the time I think about how much I hate my life and how without Addison it will never be whole. To learn so young that your life will never ever be complete is a tough pill to swallow. I find myself living a "plan B" life because we both know plan A died with Addison. To know our family will never be whole is just too much and sometimes I just "don't want to play" this game of life anymore, but leaving would be worse...not sure how, but I know it would be. I have no words of wisdom only understanding.
Those few days between leaving hospital and the funeral, I was desperate to be with her. I didn't understand where she was and why she wasn't with ME. I kept asking mum "but where IS she?"
ReplyDeleteKate we need to catch up. Our case has recently settled, and I feel like we got steamrolled. So David and Golliath and I gave up the fight. I feel like a real shit now, and that because of that, I gave up on Hope. I'm SO fucking sorry I recommended those lawyers to you. It turned in to a real shit for us too.
xo
OMG, how on earth could they have left those photos in for you to see? That is just awful and horrifying and insensitive and and and!
ReplyDeleteI hope she is going to be "pulled up" on that. Maybe she had to have them in the pile of papers for some legal reason, but she absolutely at a bare minimum should have had them in a separate folder with a big red warning on the top.
I am speechless, as I find it really difficult to say what I want to say here on your blog. There is not enough space on Blogger/the internet to express the sorrow and horror and sadness and love I feel for you.
Oh Kate. Oh no. Oh I can't begin to tell you how deeply sorry I am that you had to see those photographs. That there were such photographs to be seen in the first place. I just wish that your littlest boy was home with you and safe.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that the 'expert' opinion has been written by someone who seems so awful, insensitive and I hope that it will be deemed inadmissible.
Oh love, it's just so awful. I'm reading through your post again writing this comment and it's just . . . oh I just wish that they hadn't included those photographs. I wish they'd thought for just one tiny microsecond how you would feel to see your Joseph in such a situation. What a thing to do.
And all those other situations that you are having to deal with, oh it never rains but it pours as they say. It isn't fair, it's too much to deal with and I'm sorry. I wish that it wasn't so, that there were no health worries, no bullies, no case to be fought and, most of all, your beautiful boy here alive and well.
As to your questions, I know I thought for some time that I was honour bound to go and 'find' Georgina. One twin alive, with her father to look after her, one twin dead. It seemed logical to me, at the time, that I should go and find her and I felt that I failed her because I didn't.
Sadly, whilst Jessica was very ill with sepsis and was struggling to get off the ventilator, I did feel that we should all have died together. I asked the doctor to let her die because it just all seemed like a torture, that they were torturing her and that I was being tortured by watching and by knowing that Georgina had died. It does seem a horrible torture sometimes, going on living without them.
But, as time has passed, I no longer feel as I did. I don't want to 'find' Georgina, not for honour or love as I feel I will do her more honour by continuing to live. And I find a strange peace in knowing that I will, one day, follow her to wherever she may be. Even if that is just to oblivion. I don't mind if she has gone that way first. It will be 'going home' as Michelle says. Hope that doesn't sound strange, it is not a good place, when those thoughts come in and start making themselves cosy in your brain. You know that 'we' (she says, speaking grandly for all the BLMs she knows!) are here for you, you can always speak to us.
I didn't have an inquest or a post mortem as Georgina's cause of death was not really in question.
I've taken antidepressants from two weeks after Georgina died (bad family history) and I've gone up and down the dosages and different combinations. Came off entirely whilst I was pregnant with R but went back on. Have resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably take them for quite some time yet.
Strange I always think they are like sugar pills and have no effect at all but I notice when I stop taking them so I guess they are doing something? By any means necessary I say. If you think they help, why not? Some situations need whatever you can throw at them. I would say that coming on and starting up can be a bit tricksy, I know I've stopped abruptly without tapering the dose and that can make you feel a bit weird.
Argh, what a long and useless comment. I just wish I could give you a hug. And Sally too. It's not fair and it's just wrong. I wish that you didn't have to fight and that none of this had ever, ever happened xoxo
I read your post this morning and I've been thinking about you all day long.
ReplyDeleteYes, I've thought about leaving to find Nathaniel. I've thought about doing whatever it takes to be near him.
I haven't been on AD, but I've thought about it. My psychologist has mentioned it. I see an acupuncturist, and that does help some. I'm open to going on antidepressants.
From what you've written today, I agree with Aoife. If the AD's can offer any support, then now is a good time to take them. If your doctor recommends it, I think it could be a gift you give yourself, at least until your case is settled in the courts, and maybe then some more time.
I am so, so sorry that there were those photos of your baby in the report. Oh my God. And that you saw them. The should not have been there.
Sending love, love, love, love, love.
I happened upon your blog a few nights ago. I feel like you are transcribing my thoughts, my feelings, my grief......
ReplyDeleteI looked for an email or some way to contact you but couldn't find anything.
I lost one of my precious twins in october just gone. A darling little boy, he was term, he was healthy, he was perfect. I feel like I am living a nightmare now.
xxoo
I'm so sorry 'unknown', just so so sorry that you're here. My email is katieanddwayne@optusnet.com.au
ReplyDeleteTo all of you who have responded to this - thankyou. I want to break it down individually but there really is no other word than thankyou. I really feared hitting the 'post' button. I feared suicide would stick out and cloud the rest of what I'd written and that everyone would slowly back out of the room. But, I made my self vulnerable and couldn't feel more supported. 'Going home' is a very appropriate way of describing the life we lead. And knowing that this is it, our 'plan B' life, it's what we're left with. But, I know it can be happy. I know it will get better and I know that I will live on and honour Joseph in the most corageous way I can. For him, for me and for my family, epecially his three big brothers.
Thankyou everyone, thankyou. xxxxx
Oh love, this really is such huge hard stuff that you are dealing with. I'm so sorry you had to see those pictures - that is just awful, and so frustrating that your lawyer was so thoughtless.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have had times when I wanted to be wherever Z is, and times when I felt so bad that I really wanted to hurt myself and put myself out of my misery. But I wasn't all that certain that I'd be more likely to find Z in death than in life, and I've gradually come to feel that she's here on earth rather than anywhere else, quite literally in terms of her ashes mixing with the soil and her dna cells in my blood. (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=fetal-cells-microchimerism)
I haven't been on ADs, though it was the topic of discussion with my psych for a long time. My partner has been on them for about the last 8 months. She had similar objections to you (about the numbness) but I think she's found a type that are less numbing while still being helpful. They've been really good for getting her back into a space where she can still feel hard emotions but feels better able to cope with them.
We didn't have to deal with an inquest, but there was a criminal court case for the driver who caused our accident, and we settled a compensation claim with the insurer for negligent driving. It was distressing, but because of the circumstances of our accident, the only thing they could really argue over was how much, not whether or not they were liable. Unfortunately, my sense is that suing doctors is much harder going, and if liability is in issue, you are looking down the barrel of a much longer legal struggle, with all the trauma that entails. We went into it knowing from my time in legal practice that legal proceedings rarely provide any kind of healing / apology / closure - that we had to find those things elsewhere.
That feeling you describe of being stuck between a rock and a hard place - of feeling like you have to choose between your own sanity and fighting the good fight for Joseph through the inquest - that's an awful place to be in. I think preserving your own sanity is vital to honouring Joseph's memory - and there may be other ways of getting some acknowledgement from the hospital of their failing Joseph than the lawyer's way - eg media or the health services commissioner.
Sending so much love through all this hard stuff. Hang in there Kate. xxxxxxxh
Oh Kate... I am horrified. And disgusted and so very very angry you your behalf... So much so that I can't write anymore than this, I need to go away and process it... Just wanted to send hugs...and then more hugs... Oh this is f*cked up. :(
ReplyDeleteSorry it took me so long to post. I keep reading and to figure out how to process it all. I just feel so angry for you. Because you lost him, your womb, your hope for tomorrow. All of that is just so unfair. I wish I could just express how angry I am for you in a better way. I'm sorry. I can not imagine how hard seeing those pictures must have been.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to take any pills other than what they gave me for the first week home. I do believe that if it works for you, you should go for it. I could never leave this earth because of my living children but there have been days when I have just wished that it would all end and I could be with him again. I get that.
Love to you my friend.
Oh Kate ...my heart hurts for you and your Joseph and the rest of your family. Those pictures ...no, just ...NO. No excuses, no reasons. They should not have been taken, they should not have been shown and I am sorry that they were.
ReplyDeleteBoth my husband and I had thoughts of going to Emma, immediately after her death. I found "Empty Cradle" helpfully distinguished between "active" and "passive" thoughts. "Passive" ones seem to be an "normal" (ha - not a word I would use in the context of infant death but, y'know) part of grief and, I think that's where I was really. I think sometimes it hurt so much that I thought death would be like sleep - an escape from the exhaustion.
I want to say more but it all just keeps coming out wrong so I will just send love and strength for the fight. I wish you didn't have to fight but I wish you strength for it.
I read your post two days ago and I’ve been thinking about you ever since Kate… I’m so sorry that those photos were in the report… I cannot even begin to imagine… I’m just so so sorry for all that you've been through. For your beautiful Joseph. I wish with all my heart that he was in your arms right now where he belongs.
ReplyDeleteYes, I’ve thought about not living anymore. I've thought about taking my chances to see if I could be with Liam. Wherever he is, out there. I so badly want to be with him and hold him in my arms and tell him how sorry I am. I wish things were different for us all.
Holding you and Joseph in my heart and sending so much love and light your way.
xx