Is what I am.
I'm awful. I'm so bloody mad. Angry. Raging anger and I can't contain it and it's driving me insane. I'm intolerant, impatient, exhausted. I'm broken.
::
Monday (just gone) was our directions hearing for the Coroner. It went well. It went better than I expected in fact. The focus is where it should be - what happened with the failed resuscitation and the subgilael hemorrhage from the head trauma from the ventouse delivery. I'm confident (without counting my chickens) that the Coroner is headed in the right direction.
The directions hearing is all about housekeeping. To collate the list of witnesses for statements. When it was our turn to put forward our list, we added a few. We want statements from the two paed directly involved in the failed resuss of Joseph. We want statements from the OB who yanked Joseph from my body. We want statements from the Neonatologist in the NICU who commented on the swelling of Joseph's head (that she claims went away after 24 hours *coughbullshit*) and a few others. After reading out our list, the head of legal for the hospital stood up, arms flailing and a loud voice said (words the to effect) 'if they think they can question every single person involved in every single aspect of the delivery of this baby...they've got another thing coming'!!! How do these people sleep at night? My son DIED as a result of their negligence. Of COURSE we are going to want to hear from every.single.person involved in his DEATH!
I understand the legal battlefield that this has become and I understand the games that will be played, but here is this baby's mother in this courtroom, with his father, aunties and Nana. How DARE he reduce his life to a competitive game. God it's made me mad, and so upset.
I was sitting there at one point, mentally checking out and thinking 'how did I get here?'. 'How did I GET here?!?'. 'How did I get HERE?!?'.
The inquest has been set for August. We were under the impression that it would take 12-18 months for a date to be set, but, as the Coroner said, given the trauma that this family is going through, it would be better to have this sooner rather than later. I'm grateful for that. But, I'm scared of what it's going to do to me. These people are ruthless, nasty bottom dwellers who will stop at nothing to defend themselves. That much they're proven already with their lies and deceit. How on earth do they sleep at night?
::
I am a yeller, the fishmongers wife through and through. I can't help it. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. I have a volotile temper. I slam doors and break things. It's ugly and it's frightening and even more so now. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to fight with D in front of the kids. I want to be more tolerant, more patient with them but it feels like there are just no reserves there. I can say I'm not violent towards them (which I'm not), but yelling and slamming doors is just as damaging. I'm just not coping.
And, I feel like I should be in more control. I shouldn't be feeling this grief stricken and angry 14 months on. I should be funtioning better. I should be able to do the shopping, cook the meals, shower every day, smile and talk with the school mums, engage with my kids more, not be so angry with D all the time, clean the house, go to yoga, laugh more, have sex again, eat better, nourish myself, excersice more. Just.Be.Better. It's just not happening.
This inquest is something I want. I want them to determine that this was negligence. I know this process is not about blame. It's about finding out what went wrong to prevent this from happening again. How can this be prevented from happening again if the people involved haven't taken on responsibility for what happened?
This process is holding me back. I feel like I'm in a constant state of trauma, although for the most part, people wouldn't know it. I'm locked in a state of grief because all of this is hanging over my head, but I don't want it not to be. The inquest has to happen and the hospital need to apologise to me and D for what happened, even if it is behind closed doors.
I'm not making much sense am I? I probably shouldn't even be writing about this publicly, but what else do I right about? When this is my life now?
I just want my boy back. I just want to go back to December 2010 and make different desicions. I feel like, at the end of the day it's all my fault. If I just had have agreed to an elective, then none of this would have happened. He'd be alive and here, almost walking. Not a baby anymore, but heading into toddlerhood. My own stupid stubbornness and desire for a VBAC came back to bite me on the arse in the worse way possible. My son died because of my stupidity and I failed him, and me and my family. I guess that's what it comes down to. I'm so angry with myself because at one point, I was in control of this. I was in control of his birth. I could have had a nice elective and a good outcome, but I didn't and I've got to live with that for the rest of my life. I have to explain all of this to my children.
I wouldn't blame you if you left me, hell, I want to leave me. I'm sick of my own negativity and rage and doom and gloom and self pity and depression.
Sorry it's all so bleak. I'm having a hard time writing it any other way. I just want my boy back. I love him and I miss him more than ever.
A little over a year is still such a short time, you can't force it. I know you know that.
ReplyDeleteThere is very little I can say that is going to make much difference, but I'm here, and even if you are a bitch, I'm listening, it's really all I can do.
I'm sorry, it's hard to be missing someone like we do. x
The thing is, it is not your fault that Joseph died. Woulda coulda shoulda about the decisions we made will always haunt us. I am glad this go round went better than expected. I am sure that before this over you will have even more ignorance and shit thrown at you from their side. It worries me what they will say about you, your decisions and trying to pin the blame on you and how that will weigh heavily on your soul. It is one thing to have the thoughts and another to have others say it to you. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you feel like you are unable to control yourself around your family, but I get this. My husband said the other day "maybe we should pick up another day of daycare for Kai if you can't deal with it. It just seems like your yelling at him all the time". That breaks my heart. The thing is I love him with everything I am but I am grieving and he is 3. I have a short fuse, my patience is not what it used to be and I get exasperated easily. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm pissed that this death has warped so much about me, us, parenting. Fucking he'll it's hard to negotiate. Maybe things will calm some after your court case is over. Anyway... I am sending so much love.
I agree with Renel that things will calm after the court case. My anger still bubbles up with my hubby, I get angry that he wasnt angry with the docs,that he just wanted to drop it after and put it all behind him, I get angry that he doesnt mourn like I do, that he has never become that weeping howling banshee that has crumpled to the floor, I wished I could just see something, anything. He wont go over what happened with Jack, he remembers all the good days and turns his back on the rest. He always remembers Jack with a smile and it sounds horrible but I wish I would just see a frown, some sadness. It feels like I have to carry the burden of what happened to Jack all on my own.
ReplyDeleteI know this is so hard for you but please remember how courageous you are for pursueing this, no matter what they will say to try and get out of it, please know you are the best Mommy ever, it's not your fault and you can vent as much as you want about this, be as bitchy as you want, you have every right and I am here to always listen. Thinking of you and Joseph.xo
There are no shoulds in coping with such a horrific loss, my dear. We're all doing our best to survive after severe heartbreak and trauma. And you've been through sooo much trauma.
ReplyDeleteI can identify with the guilt and the anger. I feel awfully guilty because my body failed my baby. I'm also very angry with my doctors--they minimized what was happening and ignored my worries. They should have intervened sooner. But there's no way of knowing if things would have turned out differently. I'd like to go back in time and at least try....but that's impossible. Painfully impossible.
I feel like I should have made other choices as well: Maybe if I had found a different doctor to begin with....what if I had demanded an umbilical artery doppler study.... perhaps if I'd ignored my doctors about making sure I stayed somewhat active and just put myself on strict bedrest....and on and on and on. The self-recrimination is never ending.
Joseph's death is NOT your fault. I know I could say that until I'm blue in the face, and you might still not fully believe it. I think there will probably always be some part of us that will blame ourselves. Really, though, it does sound like your medical team seriously screwed up. Our doctors failed us.
I'm angry, too. For you, for me, for all of us. I hope you are able to achieve some level of satisfaction and peace from the inquest.
Thinking of you and your Joseph. Much love to you. xo
*hugs* You are not a bitch, you are a mother-- seeking the right justice for you son, period. Don't fight against that or for one second think that you should somehow be less than you are right at this moment.
ReplyDeleteI know sometimes it's hard not to let that fierceness spill over to everything else. I wish you peace and love and healing for your soul.
xx
Your'e right Jeanette, I can't force it and I do know that. Thanks for staying with the bitch in me.
ReplyDeleteAnd Renel, 'i'm grieving and he's 3', so true. Mine are 6 and 2 3 year olds so it is more of a patience thing and a short fuse. It pisses me off that his death has warped so much out of me too. It's just so unfair, not only on us, the mothers, but on the rest of our families too.
Michelle, this is exactly what I was fighting with D about yesterday, that he doesn't grieve, he never talks about Joseph, he takes no part in this coroners stuff, I feel like it's all up to me. We are on different levels spiritually, intellectually, mentally and emotionally and I dont' know that we are going to come through this together. I'm a bitch because I told him all of that, that he doesn't care about Joseph, he doesn't miss him. He probably does, but the way that most 'males' deal with the loss of a child is just so inherently different to women, it's exhausting. Thankyou for that validation.
Adn I'm sorry your doctors failed you and Molly. It's salt to the wounds that we put our trust in the doctors and they fail us like this and just so unfair.
Hopefully, today will be a better day. xxx
For fuck's sake my friend. If it's not enough you have to deal with young Joseph's death, you've got to deal with this shit from people who are utterly removed from your tragedy. How did we get here is right. I'm SO SORRY you guys have to face this together.
ReplyDeleteKeep venting here, as long as you're safe with the lawsuit and such. Outlets are needed. We are here.
I'm glad you feel that the Coroner is headed in the right direction and that the focus of the hearing is where it should be. Cold, cold comfort though I know.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how some of these people can sleep at night. The default position of the medical profession should be transparency not this defensiveness and deceit.
I can imagine that you can going to mentally check yourself on some occasions during this process. It is madness.
That feeling of having no reserves left is an awful one. There just isn't anything left for kindness or patience. I was never much of a one for yelling but losing my daughter pushed me to it. I believe that it can do it anybody. Each of us has only so much to give, we can only try our best and start afresh each day. I think kids are so much more resilient than we imagine.
I know it doesn't help to hear it but I'm going to say it. Kate, none of this is your fault. Not the anger, not the yelling, not Joseph's death. You didn't wish this for him, you didn't wish this for your family. You weren't stupid my dear. How you could possibly, possibly have known? It wasn't supposed to happen and, if circumstances had been different, it wouldn't have happened.
I do so wish you could have your boy back. Deeply so.
The Head of Legal for the hospital obviously doesn't have a very good game face... I'm a lawyer, and having dealt with many guilty & innocent people, as a general rule, it's the guilty ones who don't like to hand over any more information than they have to - they have things to hide. The innocent ones are usually keen to hand over anything that they feel may prove their innocence.
ReplyDeleteI fear though that things might not get much easier until you have an outcome of your case.
Please don't apologise for feeling angry, or not grieving how you feel you 'should'. You've been through such a horrible ordeal. And for what it's worth, I still get plenty of days where I just want to scream for what happened.
Vent all you like - it's good to get it out. Go easy on yourself.
Kate, I think you've got bloody good reasons to be angry. The cause for your anger is not just that Joseph died 14 months ago - it is that you are missing him everyday - and on top of that dealing with the added trauma of legal proceedings about the circumstances of his death. And feeling anger doesn't make you a bitch - but I know what you mean when you say you don't want to be like this - that you'd like to slam things a bit less.
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is figure out what are the safest ways for you to feel that anger. For me, bizarrely, the thing that helped it dissipate was not slamming or breaking things, but when I stopped pretending to cope and just told work & family, I was unwell and had to go home - and then spent the day in bed with a book, keeping myself safe until the anger slowed down enough for me to be gentler. I still don't really get why that worked for me, but it did. Maybe it gave me the space to work out how I wanted to respond and claim back some of my own decision-making, rather than just feeling swept away with other people's response and my own reactions.
I know you are at the mercy of this inquest process, but you still get to choose how to direct your energy. There is nothing unreasonable about wanting every piece of information that could shed light on why your son died. I'm sorry that the hospital's legal person is so lacking in compassion.
I think grief & trauma laugh in the face of any "shoulds" about when you are supposed to be "better". I've given up on trying to make sense of it or trying to fit my grief into some pre-determined pattern. Because no one has felt this exact grief - it has no template, there is no such thing as normal.
And I know your brain wants to find a culprit, or an explanation (or better still, a way of undoing) Joseph's death - but I don't think you can blame yourself. We're in the position now of deliberating whether to try for a VBAC or not, and from everything I've read, VBACs are just as safe as elective caesars. Your choice was a very reasonable one to make - you weren't responsible for his head trauma and the failed resuscitation.
I'm glad at least that the coroner is on the ball and you feel some confidence in that process at least. Sending so much love and squeezing your hand through this difficult process xxxx h
I wanted to comment the other day and just couldn't find the words. I still don't have them, but wanted you to know that I am reading along and sending much love your way.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to wrap my brian around just losing my baby, but knowing you are going through that and SO MUCH MORE, it's so beyond anything. A friend of mine had to go to trial after her daughter dies due to the doctor's negligence. She explained how listening to doctors and lawyers describe your child as less than a person was just unbearable...there is a special place in hell for these people who do this!
Sending so much love your way and hoping that the time passes quickly so this part at the very least can be over. Grief is more than enough without this shit. I guess that's a lot of words for not having any words, but I just want you to know I am listening. Get everything off your chest you need to, this is YOUR space!
I think everyone else pretty much said it all but I wanted you to know I am here and reading and angry at those idiots with you...I know it's going to get much, much worse so I'm going to especially hold you in my prayers in the coming months that you would have strength and wisdom and more strength as you are going to be going through such a hard, hard time with people who are going to try to make you feel even worse than you already feel. I am so sorry. This is so shitty.
ReplyDeleteOh Kate. I don't think you're awful. I didn't read anything here that I couldn't relate to, and I remember feeling so many of the things that you do. 14months seems so fresh to me still. So fresh.
ReplyDeleteAaron and I have never gone back to the hospital to confront them. We went back for Jasper's birth but we had no choice with that unfortunately... But yeah, when I think about confronting them with all the ways that they failed us, failed Jordan, i get so angry... and I don't think I would be able to contain it... We keep waiting for a time when we can, but it doesn't seem to come. :(
I'm so proud of you for pursuing this, despite how hard and painful it is. I am so sorry Joseph isn't here. And it's not your fault, you can't have forseen any of the things that happened. I think as mothers we can't help but blame ourselves, but this is not your fault. Be kind to yourself Kate. Be kind. xx
God, I'm so sorry, and your rage at the situation is completely justified. There is so much to rage at: the doctors' negligence, the system that has failed you at every turn, your beautiful boy gone, your uterus gone. But, my friend, be gentle with yourself. Of course you're tender. Of course you're incredibly raw.
ReplyDeleteIf only they could say, yes, we fucked up. We're sorry. But no - I heard in my grief group that, at least in the states, it's such a good old boy's club, these doctors, and they cover each other and their own asses even when they make terrible terrible mistakes! Why can't they just say, yes, we fucked up. We're sorry. It's just twisted.
I am glad that the case will be pushed up. At least you can have that piece behind you.
I, too, am short with my family, short with my son and my husband in ways that I've never been before. I guess that it's part of the grief. And I can tell you are the most devoted, caring mother.
xoxoxo
I agree with Jeanette - just over a year is no time at all for any grief and for grief that is complicated by all that you are going through, it's a blink of an eye.
ReplyDeleteThere are parents at my SANDS group who are currently pursuing a negligence case and everything you say here, they have said at some point in group. They talked at length about the anger and how they felt as though they had to put their grief on hold in order to see the case through. It's an awful, evil, unfair situation with awful, evil, unfair people.
And I hear you on the vbac guilt - I so do. I think we made the best decisions we could with the information we had and I try to remember that and to forgive myself for not being psychic.
I wish I could say something more useful but there aren't words really, are there? Not for something this monumentally horrible and wrong. We are here - it's a small thing but we are here, virtually holding you and Joseph.