On No You Di'n't

Oh holy fuck. Fuckety fuck fuck fuck.

What was I thinking?

I just replied to a recent post on Edenland about funeral songs and fear of death:

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Well, this certainly made my heart drop to my guts. And that was just your header.

I had always, for as long as I can remember, wanted Van Morrison's Sweet Thing played at my funeral - "i will stroll the merryway and jump the hedges first, and drink the clear clean water to quench my thirst...". That song conjures up such heavenly images in my head.
I hope wherever we go is just like that.

I gifted this funeral song to my baby son, who was born in December 2010 at 42wk+3 days. He was alive for five days then taken off life support. It was gross medical negligence of the most catastrophic kind that took his life and very nearly mine (my womb was also taken the night he was born).

Breeeeeathe KT, breathe.

So, he got my song because he is just the Sweetest Thing.

At his funeral we also played Nick Cave's Into My Arms. Sarah McLaughlan's Into the Arms of An Angel. Some Dixie Chicks song and lastly, for when we were walking out holding the ashes of his body in his lotus urn, was Darling I Do from Shrek the Third soundtrack. I figured he'd like that because the kids watched it non stop during my pregnancy with him so he must have heard it? Right? Plus, my other boys were familiar with the song and I figured on such a fucked up (another) saddest day ever, they might just have a little bit of light amongst that darkness.

I used to fear death but I don't any more, because I can't. I can't for him. I absolutely have to believe that there is as much beauty in death as there is in birth. No matter how fucked up and out of order his birth and death was/is.

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Then, I went back and clicked on my name and it takes me straight to this blog!

It's a blog public I know, but in my ignorant little head I figured it would only be read by other babyloss parents and they'd only find me through replies on their blogs. Stoopid right?

And then it occurred to me that there must be more people reading the dribble I write about than just those babyloss parents and maybe they just don't comment? Aaaah, der Fred.

So, in the words of Luka Bloom (from the song I Need Love), 'if you're out there, please, make yourself seen'. Let me know you're there and how you found me and if you have read more than this reply I left on Edenland's blog.

Cheers for that.