I have one left. On the left. Ovary, that is.
It pops, about once a month. I can feel it pop.
I miss the build up, the more major hormonal swings.
I miss the belly bloat, the sore breasts.
I feel it sometimes, or, I think I feel it.
The warm gush, you know, down below.
Never was one for 'plugging it up'.
I enjoyed that build up, the tension rising of mind, body, and spirit.
And then the flush out. The gush out. The cleanse out of what is not meant to be.
Then the month begins anew. Ready for the next build up.
Sometimes, I feel it. The release. The gush, the rush, the flush.
Could it be? I'll still check the paper, every time I go.
Oh no. That's right. It's gone, all of it. Except the one left, on the left.
That damn phantom menses.
God I miss the real thing.
Oh mamma.. my heart aches for you. Sending so much love and light your way...
ReplyDeleteYour loss is is so deep and complex. There are of course layers to all of our losses, but yours always blows my mind. So much loss, so much suffering.
ReplyDeleteI hate that it has to be this way for you, lovely Kate.
xo
I wish I could change it for you but I cant for you or for me. It's just so unfair. I can see by your blog that you were and still are an amazing Mommy to Joseph xo
ReplyDeleteyou have so much intertwined in your missing beyond Joseph, as if he wasn't enough. I don't know how you feel, I just think you sound empty in heart and in body, we all have a different layer of loss. Our anger, our betrayals. I know when patients I have worked with loose a limb, they have phantom feelings as if it is there. is it the same for a uterus? I am thinking of you friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's not quite the same, but after I lost Seamus I felt phantom kicks for months afterwards - it was haunting and cruel...
ReplyDeleteEverytime I think about what happened to you and your lovely Joseph I feel so appalled for you - genuinely outraged. And I don't know how you begin to deal with everything you have to cope with. I'm just so so sorry the way things turned out. You have been so courageous to get this far, and long may that continue. I hope that venting and sharing on your blog is helping. I hope that life is kinder and gentler on you in the coming year.
I love this - honest, and real. And your embracing the moodiness and tension that many women shame away, medicate away, or try to talk themselves out of gives me something that I can't quite name. . .thank you.
ReplyDeleteI know how a popping ovary feels.
There is so much you see beyond the horizon of what is lost here.
You are lovely. This is lovely.
Feel better hun :( Your post is so real and honest I am in tears. I can relate so much to it. I am a new follower.
ReplyDeleteCheck out mines
http://nmephotoblog.blogspot.com/
I was thinking about you today and wondering how you were doing. I have been trying to imagine how much harder this all would be if I lost my ability to have another. I hope that doesn't sound wrong, because this is so freaking hard but I hurt for you. It is just all so unfair. I wish I knew the right words to provide you some form of comfort. I am glad that you still have your babies here on Earth to wrap your arms around. I imagine that our babies that are not here, are wrapping their arms around us as well.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and hoping that you are doing okay.
You have been through so much. Too much. I cant imagine Kate. I'm here, listening and sending love.
ReplyDelete