Numbers

9 months today. He would be 9 months old today. He SHOULD be 9 months old today.

He was alive, inside my body, for 282 days.

Two beating hearts, two souls, in one body.

He was born, and lingered in the void between life and death, for 5 days.

One beating heart, unable to beat on it's own. The other, totally and utterly broken.

And he's been dead now, for 270 days.

He was conceived on 10 March 2010 (the same date as his oldest brother).

He was born on 16th December 2010, at 10.15pm, two weeks and three days after his 'due date'.

He died on 21st December 2010. Declared at 3.30pm, but I remember not being able to feel his faint heart after about 1.30pm. I wish I could remember the exact time, but I'm glad that I don't.

He was cremated on the 21st January 2011.

His funeral was on the 5th March 2011.

We found out on the 19th May 2011 that it was medical negligence that took Joseph's life and is most likely the cause of the loss of my womb, and nearly my life, some 5 1/2 months after Joseph died (bastards).

It took seven years to have Xavier, the last two on IVF. He was born in December too (in 2005), three days before Joseph's birthday. Xavier is just the most beautiful, placid and sensitive soul.

In March 2007 at the 12 week scan I found out there was no heartbeat in the tiny little body of our second baby. It took days to get a D&C organised. And I thought that was harrowing.

In September 2008 our third and fourth babies were born healthy. They are such a tonic, and I must say just so hilarious, at just on 3 years old, they are getting into their own secret conversations with each other (note to self *put a tape recorder in their room at night).

In November 2009 our fifth baby left my body at 9 weeks. We were devastated, but it reaffirmed that we really weren't done. We knew then that we definitely wanted four children.

And then Joseph. Oh, my Joseph.

At nine months, what would he be doing? Crawling, that's for sure.

Attachment parenting suggests that nine months is a time of moving away from the mother. Babies are with us, in utero for around nine months, then spend equal time earthside, then become much more independent. Mother always in sight, but they spread their wings. Maybe he'd be cruising around the furniture, maybe even walking. Probably not though, given the track record of two of his brothers, who were double this age before walking.

I'll never know though, and that sucks. Big time.

I am a mother.
I am 42 years old.
I've had 5 pregnancies.
I have 3 living children.
I have 3 dead.
I'm eduring 1 neonatal loss.
I've endured 2 miscarriages.
I've had 2 cesareans.
I've had 1 vaginal birth.
I've had 1 hysterectomy.

Numbers. Who needs 'em.