I feel so restless. Can't sleep. Can't think. Can't function. Can't be joyful.
What do I do with all the energy that should be spent on Joseph?
What do I do with all the love that should be showered on him?
I feel like I'm walking, looking for where I'm supposed to be but can never find that place, because I'll never find him. Not in the way that I want him anyway.
The most I can do is light his candles for him everyday, along with the extra ones for other babies gone too soon. To mark their due date, their birthday, their deathday.
Lighting candles just isn't enough though.
Joseph would be 7 months old on Saturday. By now, hopefully, he would have been settling for longer sleep during the night, maybe even sleeping through.
I talked to him for 42 weeks about sleeping (among many other things), because I figured I was owed that.
Xavier was a shocker. No bones about it. For his first 2 years (until he stopped feeding), he'd sleep in 45 mins to an hour spats during the night.
Then the exhausting first year of breastfeeding twins and the fatigue that that brought. Add to that, the first 5 months of Augie's life with undiagnosed hydrocephalus and the almost 24 hours screaming fits that that brought.
I asked Joseph to please be kind. Be my easy peasy last baby and sleep peacefully with me. Cosied up in bed with me. Wake me in the morning with a milky, satisfied sleepy smile and get on with our day refreshed and able to function as a happy household with 4 young boys.
Maybe I expected too much. Maybe he thought there were too many conditions to his life here.
Careful what you wish for.
K, your words are pure, and from the heart. I am so glad you found a place to express yourself openly. The rawness is so gut wrenching, as of course it has to be.
ReplyDeleteIf I comment on earlier posts, will you still see those comments? I really wanted to comment on your post about your feelings re: the loss of your womb. I will comment on that post specifically when I can, as reading it just made me cry for this additional loss of yours. ((hugs))
Thanks J. I will see all comments and get email notifications when they come through. It helps a little to write down my feelings and know that some people are sharing them with me. xxx KT.
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