The Kitchen Table

Here I am participating at the kitchen table from over at Glow. It's a question and answer piece which is great for me, as it prompts me to think of where I'm at. I've been a bit foggy on where I'm at lately and haven't been able to put fingers to keyboard for a little while, so, that feels good.

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)? Do you mark grief in weeks, months, or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow?

7 months, 1 week and 3 days. I'm still marking in months because I haven't hit years yet. But I have progressed beyond measuring in weeks and days. Much the same as how I'd calculate the age of any of my living children. In the moment, on a day to day basis it feels really slow. But when I look back and think it happened just over 7 months ago, I'm blown away. Again, the same as seeing how fast the time has gone by with my other boys. I can't believe Eden & Augie are nearly 3 and that Xavier will be starting school next year. Time flies on so quickly, no matter what happens.

2. Do you have an end goal to your grief? How much time do you think that will take? How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss? How much time do you think you need now?

I don't really have an end goal. I know that it will change over time, become less intense, then probably build up with more intensity around important dates times, like his first birthday, the first anniversary of his death, Christmas, etc.

I knew right from the start that this grief work would take a long, long time. I knew it would take years and that I'd never get over it and never be OK with the fact that he died.

And time now? That's just not a limit I put on myself. I did however remember feeling in the first few months that I wanted this pain to be over with. I just couldn't stand living with such intense sadness at every waking moment. I foolishly thought that I'd wake up one day and I'd be fine, and waiting on that day every night when I went to bed, only to be disappointed the next morning. Or going to bed thinking I'd function the next day, get things done, play with my kids with joy etc, only to endure another day exhausted, unshowered, undressed etc. Those days are less now though.

3. Rather than a clear end goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital? How long did it take to get there?

Hmmm, not there yet. Nowhere near it.

Van Morrison came on the radio the other night and I had to turn it off. Anything he sings I think would bring me to tears, but especially Sweet Thing, which we played at Joseph funeral. Also Adele's song Someone Like You . I get teary whenever I hear it on the radio (which is alot, it's incredibly popular here). I first heard it only about a month after Joseph was born and then died and it takes me back to that raw feeling of early grief whenever I hear it. Plus, she's got an excellent voice.
And then there's Darling I Do , which is another song we played at Joseph's funeral. It's from the soundtrack to Shrek - Forever After. Thank God our copy of that DVD is scratched so the kids can't watch it anymore. They watched it almost daily and it was painful to say the least to hear it all the time.

The hospital where Joseph was born is about 2 minutes from our house and I often have to drive past it. I actually get sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat when it comes into view. But that is the PTSD associated with that place. I hate it with a passion (who could blame me?) and don't think I'll ever get to a place where I'm OK driving past there.

There's also the funeral home that I drive past on the way to my sister's house. I held his cold, hard little body there for the last time almost 2 weeks after he died and while I'm so glad I saw him and held him that one last time, it gives me shivers whenever I drive past there.

4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within, or outside) or already deceased? Before you all answer "Too short! Not enough!" did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like? Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you feel about the nine-month period gestation -- too long, or not long enough?

Oh, what a painful question.

I view my time with him, alive, in my body for those 42 weeks and 3 days as precious. He was safe from harm and alive and well. But, I don't look back at the pregnancy with a smile on my face and joy in my heart because it's all about what should have been, what could have been and at the hands of others, is now not.

I knew life was going to be crazy with 4 under 5 but I was so ready for it. Scared, but ready. I imagined him to be like his oldest brother. Cautious, sweet, considerate and a thinker. I also imagined that he'd be in a hurry to catch up to his brothers. He probably wouldn't have taken his time learning to move around to keep up but he would have been so entertained by them. My 4 boys. My 4 awesome sons. Imagine, a mother to 4 grown men! Bless. (sniff)

Joseph was alive for 5 days after he was born (well, machine alive, tube alive). Those days were so incredibly traumatic. My first visit to him was the day after he was born and I was so doped up on painkillers it's a hazy memory. I just wanted to be with him but I couldn't get there without assistance, couldn't get out of bed and into a wheelchair for 2 days. My body was screaming for him, it was so primal and my instincts were denied because I was recovering from near death. I don't know how I could ever look back at that time any differently to how I did then, now, or anytime in the future.

But, once he was dead and we were able to hold him, oh...I just couldn't get enough of him. I just wanted to drink him in. Bottle that smell. Keep myself frozen in that time with him forever. I got to mother him then. Bathe him, dress him, swaddle him. I just couldn't feed him. We had him overnight in bed, lying between us and as beautiful and peaceful as that was, it was the stuff of nightmares too. I kept waking with him next to me, thinking I could see him breathing. Ergh.

And 9 months. If I could have my time back I'd gestate for 22 months, all elephant like, if it meant he was alive and safe, I'd do that.

My pregnancy with the twins lasted 37 weeks. They were big babies (for twins) at 7lb 3oz and 6lb 12oz. The sciatica was awful. I could hardly walk or stand towards the end. On my once weekly outing to the shopping centre, I had to hire a ride on electric wheely chair thing to get around. And Joseph was big, at 11lb (thereabouts). I was in alot of pain towards the end of that pregnancy (thanks to the extreme muscle separation left behind from the twins). It was unpleasant. It was long. But he was alive, so very alive.

5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate your grief into your life. Where are you on this timeline, and do you find that to be true?

It's just too early for me to say I'm incorporating my grief into my life. There are just too many layers to what happened to me and Joseph and aside from the 'normal' processing of grief. It's an ongoing, constant reawakening of it due to the legal path we're heading down. So maybe it will take longer that usual. Just don't know about this one.

6. There's a familiar saying "Time heals all wounds." Do you think this is true? Or do you subscribe to Edna St Vincent Milay: "Time does not bring relief, you all have lied"?

Maybe a bit of both. Sort of. More like, "Time eases all wounds." They are never healed. Some relief of the intensity of the wounds may come, but the wounds are never gone, they fade a little but leave mighty big scars that hurt like a bitch every single day.

7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)? How about your relationship with the past?

I won't bank on anything. I don't plan beyond the next week. It feels like I can't see beyond the day I'm in right now. Although this is lifting a little as the antidepressants start to take effect. The past me seems so naive. I thought I had it all figured out. Do the right thing. Live honestly and create good karma. Pffft.

8. How long did it take you to answer these questions?

About and hour and a half. Give or take cleaning up spilt yogurt. Late night demands for pineapple and re-reading this entry, changing a word here and there.