I'm here.
I'm new to babyloss.
I'm new to blogging.
I'm not very good at navigating my own blog, which is frustrating, because I'd like to figure out how to ad pictures, edit new posts, in date order etc. So sorry for the bland-ness.
Our last baby, our fourth boy, died five days after he was born, on 21st December 2010. He was born on 16th December 2010, three days after his eldest brother turned five. I was 42 weeks + 3 days when he was born and he weighed 11lbs (maybe a little bit less right at birth).
The last 6 months have been a fraught double life - of living on with his three older brothers. Mothering them, which takes up all my physical and mental energy, while mothering Joseph, which saps me of all my emotional energy, saps me dry.
I'm left with very low tolerance & patience in the day to day care of his brothers, which worries me no end. But this is not a situation where I can tell myself to suck it up, and get on with it. Far from it.
Joseph is always there, always.
He is on my mind and in my heart, and it's frustrating when I want to spend time with him, and I can't, because I'm inevitably pulled away from my heart space, and called to the attention of our other three boys.
So. Life right now is a constant negotiation, and navigation.
To negotiate my time between my three earth boys and my, one, what?
Non-earth boy?
Angel boy?
Heavenly boy?
Butterfly boy?
Dragonfly boy?
I don't even know what to call him.
Nothing fits.
It's just so fucking out of order.
Perhaps I'll just settle with Joseph. Referring to him as some other worldly soul seems just too much for me right now.
And the navigation? That's absolutely everything else that every day brings.
He's your son. I too struggle with what to call him. And absolutely no offense to anyone else in any way, but I cannot call Holden those things. He is my son. He is my little boy. He is Holden. I love saying his name so much. And hearing it. And reading it. So much so that I went so crazy trying to find my copy of "The Catcher in the Rye" that I had to just order a new one before I completely lost it. I can't call him those things. They are cutesy and I feel (again, not to offend anyone as I know everyone grieves in their own way) that it diminishes Holden. I will not allow that to happen. He is Joseph. He is your son. He is your little boy. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely Nerissa. Every word in your response. Thankyou. xo
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