I feel sick with grief.
I feel sick having to explain to Joseph's brothers why I'm crying. Why missing Joseph makes me so sad sometimes.
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I feel SICK for all the families who have lost whole FAMILIES in the Syrian chemical weapons attack.
I've seen worse images of what's been going on there. Images of children's bodies being pulled from rivers, thrown in there like trash to send a message to the enemy. Bodies of mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters. All before the latest images that have made the mainstream news. I get footage from Wake Up (on FB). I'm scared to click on links for fear of what I'm about to see, but I feel like there's some sort of obligation to watch. Yeah, right, from the comfort of my computer, in my warm house, sipping on my latte with my happy children playing in some other room, I don't understand.
But, I need to see this stuff. But then I see this stuff and it makes me feel sick that such barbaric atrocities are happening in my world and there's NOTHING I can do about it. What can I do about it? How can I help? Maybe I should just look away, because looking AT just might bring me undone!
Then I have thoughts, sick thoughts like they are all better off not being here. There souls are free and they don't have to keep surviving on this hell on earth. They've reached nirvana. They've reached heaven. There is no more suffering for them.
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I feel like telling my boys not to have children. DON'T reproduce, because fuck knows what kind of world they and their children will inherit by the time they are my age. So, just stop the family lineage now. Don't bother going on any further because this world is shit.
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Man, I feel sick.
You know when the tears are *just* below the surface? But, you've got to keep your shit together because you have to make the lunches, drop the kids off at school and kinder? All the while trying to hold off from completely losing your emotional shit?
That's how I feel today. I don't feel like this everyday. But I'm heavy with it today. I feel overwhelmed by it.
Huge huge love to you. I know that feeling well. People say let it out, honestly I never have I'm afraid of what will happen if I did. Instead it seeps out when I least expect it or I take myself off like a wounded animal and cry in the middle of the night. That lets enough out to keep going a bit longer.
ReplyDeleteThe world stuff, yep, I can't watch. I feel selfish not watching, but I can't because it makes me feel more helpless.There are some truly ugly parts of the world.
love love love to you. x
It feels like an undoing, Jeanette. Like if I open that chasm, it will never close.
ReplyDeleteI feel selfish. And the 'woe is me' catholic upbringing that I had. The catholic guilt never goes away. What right do I have to wallow. To wallow in the fact that he died. That one of MY children is dead. That it was their fault. That that inexperience registrar contributed to his death. That he nearly caused my own death. That he contributed to the loss of my womb. My womanhood. That they played it so they got off scott free. That the whole fucking inquest was a political game to blame the midwife, blame me, but never be accountable for their part in this whole tragedy that is my life.
But. Then. I have NO right to wallow in the grief and anger because there seems to be so much worse going on in this world. It all feels so much bigger than me, saying 'poor me'! Oh, I feel sorry for myself.
And, I've had a few reds. Dot dot dot.
And I love you and your beautiful heart. And the fact that you get it. Beautiful woman.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, You know I might be across the other side of the world, but right now I wish I was right there to hug you tight.Please know I'm hugging you from across the ocean, and I'm so sorry.xxxxXx
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