I want to write, but I can't.
I want to cut my face open and scratch my eyes out.
I want to paint my face, Dia de los Muertos style, then soak it with water and watch the face paint drip down my cut open face and down my neck.
I want to find a way to integrate the shiny, happy face book me, with the pathetic, guilt ridden and totally lost Baby. Lost. Mama.
I want to paint canvasses every day, and knit, and sew, and cook, and clean, and get a part time job, and be productive.
I want to stop pinning and start doing - more.
I want to sell my house and make a tree change. Get off the grid, where no one knows me. Create my own sovereign entity - all lower caps. Be Queen of my own queendom and never have to talk to anyone again. Ever. Even though I love talking to people. Love it. Just as long as it's not about my son.
What I want most of all, in the whole wide world, is to go back in time and change my pastfuture.
It's simple really.
I just want Joseph back. I still think he's there, in another room.
Can't that be a reality?
Is it really that much to ask?
I wish that for you too Kate. For me, for all of us with our broken hearts abd dead child. To just go back in time. When people used to ask me what they could do to help, I didn't ask for food or a hug, I told them, quite simply, I need you to in vent a time machine. They would look at me kind of sideways and know I was making a joke, only I was very serious. I want nothing more than my baby girl back. It's not to much to ask. I'm kind of hating people right now. Off the grid in my own queendom sounds pretty good to me.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm going to do it Renel. Sell this house and move away where no one knows me and I can start again. Maybe that will bring some healing. Can you come with me, please?
DeleteHow on earth could this have happened to us? To all of us? I'm a big one for saying 'why me?', and have never been able to counter that with 'why not me?'. Makes me sound like a selfish f*ck. Oh, I'm angry lately.
I recently wrote a blog post about being an angry asshole...It sucks but sometimes we just gotta keep it real no matter how ugly we seem. it just sucks!
DeleteMe too. Please can I just go back? I'm just so tired of all this hurting and missing... Please can I just have him back now...?
ReplyDeleteIt's the life sentance, isn't it Aoife?
DeleteI am having better days. There have just been alot of triggers for me lately that have brought me back to this space, where I'm allowed to be as ugly as I want.
I so want him back for you too. Darling little Seamus.
Oh Kate. I wish we could. I wish we could all just go back. Just go back and fix it all. So that this doesn't happen, so that they don't die.
ReplyDeleteI was never really on the grid. And now I'm definitely AWOL from that place. I just haven't got the energy, or the heart, or the grit or . . . whatever is it that makes humans want to engage with the outside world? It's all gone. I try and fake it a bit. But it doesn't really take. I'm not really interested.
I still sometimes get that feeling, that she's here, just in another room, that this has all been a mistake and she's coming home. And it isn't too much to ask x
I definitely fake it Catherine. It makes me feel 'normal'. I'm also very fortunate to have a group of women (from Xavier's school), not BLM's, but they give me the space to be raw when I need. It's only me who stops that from happening. If I tap in, I will come undone.
ReplyDeleteIt's a surreal life, isn't it? That we can still feel that Joseph and Georgina are in another room, even after all this time? What a cruelty. xxx