I am marked with ink, in the form of the yin yang symbol, on my right breast. I got it many, many years ago, BC. A chiropractor had an image of this symbol on his ceiling and explained to me what it meant. It resonated.
It resonated so much that I tattooed it permanently on my body. My Mum was horrified, and in her words "how will you ever wear a wedding dress with that showing?!" I was only about 22 at the time and didn't see around those corners of life. Years later, I was less at ease with it when breastfeeding my babies. It felt a bit...cheap.
My mantra then was 'balance'. I strived for balance in life. That was my ideal. Take the good with the bad.
Little did I know.
I am yin - I am yang
I am yin - He is yang
I am joy - I am sorrow
I am love - I am hate
I am full - I am empty
I am supported - I am alone
I was fecund - I am barren
We were married - Now, we are separated
He is present - But, he is not here
So very, very not here.
Are we mutually arising, as is the yin yang meaning?
Are we continuously transforming, one into the other? He and I? Yin cannot exist without yang. One doesn't exist without the other. But I seem to be existing, without him.
Birth becomes death, and death becomes birth.
I am waiting for transformation. I am waiting for integration, but it doesn't seem to be coming.
Are we continuously transforming, one into the other? He and I? Yin cannot exist without yang. One doesn't exist without the other. But I seem to be existing, without him.
Birth becomes death, and death becomes birth.
I am waiting for transformation. I am waiting for integration, but it doesn't seem to be coming.
All these forms - appearance emptiness
Like a rainbow with its shining glow
In the reaches of appearance emptiness
Just let go and go where no mind goes
Every sound is sound and emptiness
Like the sound of an echo's roll
In the reaches of sound and emptiness
Just let go and go where no mind goes
Every feeling is bliss and emptiness
Way beyond what words can show
In the reaches of bliss and emptiness
Just let go and go where no mind goes
All awareness - awareness emptiness
Way beyond what thought can know
In the reaches of appearance emptiness
Let awareness go - oh, where no mind goes
~ Khenpro Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche (Tibetan teacher) ~
It does seem impossible doesn't it that we can coninue to live.
ReplyDeleteI have been checking in waiting for another blog from you xx
ReplyDeleteOh how this one resonates with me.
Much love to you dear Kate. I don't read loss blogs just yours and littlebird, some days you and she are all that keep me believing that I can survive. I am thankful I have your footsteps to follow but sad that any of us are on this path in the first place.
Oh my dear Kate. I am sending you so much love and strength. What you are going through - no one should ever have to go through.
ReplyDeletexo
It is such a balancing act, I always feel I am walking a tightrope and cannot trip up for if I do it's a long way down and there is no net.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear of the seperation, it must be so hard.
Sending all my love and support.xo
Oh Kate~ Separated...that is what I picked up on most. I know you miss your baby Joseph, I am so sorry that his death and the strain and stress from all the litigation of negligece has taken a toll not only on your heart but also on your relationship which through love brought baby joseph to you. Ugh...so much heartache, heartbreak and the out of balance spinning the death of our baby's take...Love to you.
ReplyDeleteSending love and strength... xo
ReplyDeleteI picked up on the separation too. I'm so sorry - so sorry that you are experiencing loss upon loss.
ReplyDeleteMy wish for you is for some joy, somehow, somewhere to bring you some balance.
I wish you had Joesph here - I wish it so much.
Kate- I am so sorry for all of your loss.
ReplyDeleteIn the spirit of your Yin and Yang statements, I would like to add- you lost- you gained. I am a Christian, and a similar concept would be, to every season.... (like the Byrds song.) I wish that we didn't have be going through these brown seasons. I am glad to be able to.go through them with people who understand. I am glad to have gained the humans that have become such a valued part of my life.....
This did strike a chord on a purely coincidental note. I have a Yin Yang tattoo as well. On my left breast. I have hated it for years- I too had it done at a very young age... but now I will always love it, as a tenuous binding to someone else who knows my sorrow.
paradox, separation, integration, pushing, pulling, sometimes all of it is too, too much. My heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteIn my local babyloss group there is a woman who is going through the litigation process, and the leader has said that litigation is so, so stressful because you have to hold onto the energy that is right next to the energy of the loss. I thought of you. My heart is with you.
It sounds from this post that the pendulum swings, widely, back and forth, and that there are times of steady. . .
Part of my heart is already dead, gone to the next world to take care of Nathaniel, another part of my heart here, and the divide threatens to rip me, and my life, apart.
xoxoxox
Kate, your words are so full of beauty, love, and pain.
ReplyDeleteBalance seems almost impossible to find these days. Before my baby died, it was already hard, but I at least felt like I could attempt it. I've explored some of the Eastern philosophies, such as Taoism and Buddhism, and found much to admire. Some Buddhist concepts were especially fascinating to me, and I was even able to see the Dalai Lama live and in person once. I was so thrilled about it because I think he's one cool dude, and he was able to make me laugh with pure joy. Now, it's difficult to wrap my mind and heart around the Buddhist teachings because so much of it is about giving up attachment. I suppose it's true that if I wasn't so attached to my baby, I'd be more likely to achieve balance and contentment. But I feel like there's no way for me to become detached from the love I have for Molly, and frankly, I wouldn't want to.
Many of us, after losing our babies, continue to lose, lose, lose. I'm so sorry that it seems to be true for you as well.
Much love to you. xo
Oh Kate, I'm so sorry to hear about the separation. I'm sending love and light. So much love and light.
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